Nightmares

        I have been having nightmares lately, and they are always about the same exact thing that I have been trying so hard to forget. No matter how many years it has been, and no matter how long I have gotten away; it just keeps haunting me, it just keeps coming back to memory as if it just happened not too long ago.

          I wonder, maybe it is better this way, because it made me the person I am today. For a child to go through a living hell like that definitely isn't something entertaining, as what awaited this child was always loneliness and despair. This child has done nothing wrong, yet nobody was ever on her side, and nobody was ever cared for her feelings. The only person the child had ever trusted and loved ended up betraying her. How she wished this person could stand up for her, because she loved her, and yet she still does. But why, why did she betray her and left her in complete darkness and loneliness. She had no one to talk to, and no one ever stood up to her right. After all this, she learned not to trust anyone. Maybe it is better for her to just be in her own shell. That way, she can prevent herself from getting hurt.

        I wonder, if the person who ruined my life ever thought about things otherwise. Knowing what he did was wrong, he still blamed everything on this child and took his anger out on her. Has he even realize he was wrong, or maybe he only thinks he was right. This child was a thing and a slave to him. He sugarcoats everything to make it seem like he is preparing the perfect future for this child, although, all he wanted was for the child to be of use to him so that he could reach his silly ego. Has he ever changed after this year? Has he ever even asked god for forgiveness of what he had done to the child. Forgiveness seems like nothing anymore. When the damage is done, nothing can be repaired to how it used to be.

      I do not have a father, not before, not now, and not in the future.